I really have to get back to reading the bible and reading my daily devotional. I honestly haven't picked up my bible in weeks. I prayed in the hospital but didn't feel like reading anything. My mind was too full and crowded with all kinds of thoughts, worries and fears. But I realize I feel so much better when I'm taking time out to read verses and pray and turn my worries over to Him. I gotta get back on track.

Update

I'm still hanging in there. I'm getting stronger but I'm still always nauseas and tired. I'm blessed to be doing this well but I can't wait to feel even more normal. At least my appetite is back. I'm starting to eat more. I have good days where I get out of the house but I also have bad days and on those days, I'm sad and sick and I just want to sleep. It's wild to be starting over like this. The chemo they gave me in the hospital basically wiped out all of my cells. And then they transplanted stem cells into my body to help restart things. My whole body is starting over - my hair, my stomach and most important of all, my blood. And that's what I feel like - like I'm starting over and I'm waiting for my body to recover and remember how to work. So I know it'll take time before my energy level is where I want it to be. It's just hard for me to slow down and be patient - even when I'm sick and have no other choice and even when I have a mom who spoils me every minute of every day. I've never known until now how much of a blessing it is just to have energy - energy to keep up with your kids, energy to work, energy to take care of your family, energy to do whatever it is you want to do. I can't wait to have some energy of my own.

Home Sweet Home

Wow... Ok... Where do I begin? So much has happened over the last two weeks. you missed a lot - sorry! I've been just a little preoccupied. I took this picture yesterday. It was a long, wild day and that's really how the last two weeks have been.  I can't believe I'm home. I had to go numb in that hospital. I can't believe I don't have to walk around with an IV pole. I can't believe I can kiss my son's cheeks on demand. As good as everything went for me in the hospital, it was still difficult - the most challenging 16 days of my life. The walls were closing in on me. I was bored out of my mind. I was sick to my stomach and stuck, stuck, stuck, just laying on a hospital bed in a tiny room. I felt like I had the flu. My throat was on fire. My ears were burning. My body ached. The high-dose chemo immediately made me extremely nauseous. And I was taking tons of medicine around the clock. I had no appetite. Food disgusted me. All I wanted to do was leave. That was the hardest part of it all - convincing myself everyday to think about something else other than wanting to run out of that room as fast as I could - not that I physically could, but I would have tried and wanted to try. My mom and husband were always at the hospital; they took turns sleeping over, so I never felt completely alone. Still, every day, all I wanted was to go home and sleep in my own bed. More than anything, I wanted my son to see me and hug me and know that Mommy's home. I can't say it enough - It's such a blessing to be home. I didn't cry about it all until I got home and I could finally let go. The doctor didn't think I'd be home before Wednesday, but I was discharged Tuesday, just like my mom hoped. And I was home well in time to celebrate her birthday on Thursday.  Of course, I'm still recovering. Yesterday is the perfect example: I had to say bye to my hair. My mom was washing it for me until we both realized that clumps of tangles were coming out. Looking in the bathroom mirror, I panicked for a few minutes. But then we both calmed down and she cut away. And then my husband, who has been my rock through all of this, came in and took over. He shaped me up and told me I was beautiful and perfect. And then we all kept it moving. I'm home and I can't spend too much time mourning my hair. I still have a lot of recovering to do. It's hard to look at myself now but I know it will grow back. And I'm actually looking forward to wearing my hair short and natural. For now, though, I'm keeping it covered (wigs, scarves.) It's not ready for public exposure yet. lol. Meanwhile, My family is helping to keep me focused and happy so I can continue to recover. My cousin is also here, spoiling me and my son. So overall, I feel blessed and surrounded by love and positivity - exactly what I need to continue getting stronger.