March 1

It's only been one month since my diagnosis, but it feels like forever. Today, I'm a little anxious as I try to digest all of the steps I need to take over the next few months. I'm on track to go to the hospital for my stem cell transplant on March 1. But there are a lot of steps I need to take between now and then before I get to that point. There are more tests, more drugs, more procedures. It's a little overwhelming. As I take in what's going on, I don't really ask, "Why Me?" But I do ask, "Why Cancer." More specifically, I ask: "Why this kind of cancer?" Plasma cell leukemia??!? It accounts for less than 1% of all cancers. Chemotherapy has proven insufficient for this kind of disease which is why my transplant is so important. "How?" is probably the most common question that pops in my head. "How did I get this?" But I don't have the energy to really try to come up with ideas. At this point, I don't even really care. I gotta focus on treatment and moving forward, not on what got me here. I'm still very upbeat about the final outcome. And I know I'll beat this thing. At the same time, the reality of what I have to do is starting to settle in. And I have no choice, no control. Nobody asked me if I wanted to fight this battle. Even after the transplant, I have two months of recovery and more tests and more treatment. Okay, I'm done complaining. Just needed to vent. Let Go and Let God? That's what I'll try to work on.