One Day At A Time

Tuesday. March 9, 2010. 8:00 p.m. I haven't written in a few days. I think I'm kinda tired of writing about cancer. It can be depressing. Lol. And today I'm feeling good not down. Spent the sunny day away playing with my son. He has a cold but just like any energetic toddler who won't be stopped by the sniffles, he completely ignored it and kept going. So we played outside in the sun and watched cartoons and ate blueberry pancakes, applesauce and grilled cheese sandwhiches. I'm happy, tired and full. Nice day. My plot to beat this thing? Taking things one day at a time. And today I feel good. So I am good. Knowledge isn't always power. It can also be debilitating. The hardest part about all of this is mental - knowing that I have cancer means my thoughts are on steroids; they're almost always running full force and they're mostly sad and wreaking havoc. I feel like I'm in Galaga, the old arcade game. My goal is to zap the worry and anxiety before they attack my ship and tip my thinking into a dark black hole of sadness and fear. Once you go there, it's hard to bounce back. My goal is to replace worries about the future - concerns about my health, my job, my family -  with the happiness I feel in the present. So far so good, but it's a struggle. Thank God for kids. We're taught to plan out our future and think ahead but my son reminds me how to be young and resilient, and innocent and happy and to live in the moment and keep running and playing no matter what. You should see him smile. Thank God for that smile. I remind myself that right now, I'm happy. I'm with my family. I feel good, and today is a blessing.