Faith

Good morning from the hospital. everything is fine here. i am feeling nice and calm and happy to be moving forward. each month seems to get a little easier. i keep thinking back to december. i kept thinking this was all a nightmare and that I'd wake up soon. everything was a little foggy and i was in disbelief. i kept getting mad at the idea that i could die. its one thing to know you are human and will die one day but a much sadder thing to feel like something is in your body, killing you right now. as positive as i tried to be in those first few weeks, I couldn't control my thoughts, worries and anxiety. a small thought about death was able to spread around in my mind like a wildfire and burn and burn and burn. and it mostly happened in the middle of the night. it'd wake me up and I'd feel sick to my stomach. ive never felt that destroyed and damaged and sad. now, i think i can say i've moved on from that stage of shock. being here reminds me I have things to face and get through and I've got to keep it moving. i've got to progress and strengthen my mind and body as much as I can. im convinced im going to live and not just live, but live a good and happy life. it was a hope in December. now it's faith. after a conversation with my moms on Sunday, i now realize that's a dramatic difference. you need both, but what you need most is faith. my faith is getting even stronger. it grew more on Sunday morning when a pastor and the elders of the church placed their hands on me and prayed over me. When I looked down to close my eyes and pray, I saw my son looking up at me through the layers of arms and he grabbed my hand and stood still until the praying was done. I cried because i was overwhelmed with gratitude and they were also happy tears. I knew then that everything was going to be alright. My son's eyes reminded me of that. i still get down, though, about what my lifestyle will be. chemo and all of its side effects, for instance, might become long-time, uninvited guest of mine even if this transplant is successful. Im still adjusting to that idea but it will be fine. i will just have to adjust, adjust, adjust and keep it moving. i have to adjust my idea of what i wanted my family and career to be. i thought i'd always be juggling 20 things at once and chasing a house full of kids around. but I'll probably slow down a lot and that's not necessarily a bad thing. i've had to go from sprinting on a track that I designed to trying to climb out of a pit that I never saw coming. the blessing is that i fell in with so many tools - prayer, a praying family, a strong, loving husband, a son that needs me and family and friends that remind me that this world is good. i find myself still grieving over the loss of the track that I had designed and worrying about what long-term challenges I'll have to face even once i get out of this pit. But maybe in another 3 months ill overcome the worry as well and get even better at focusing on the day at hand and better at letting go. i have to tell myself what i tell my busy-body son when he's supposed to be picking up his toys but gets distracted and starts instead to play his guitar or drums, putting on a concert. "Focus," I say. (The problem is he repeats it back and for some reason, it always sounds like he's cussing us both out when he says it.) at least i know with all of my heart i'm getting out of this pit alive and well. i might look drastically different. i might think drastically different and I expect bruises and scars. but i will adjust and i will find a new normal and i will move on ... and i will stay happy.